This feeling of total inadequance has been with me for as long as I remember.

Why? I don’t know.

Was there a pivotal moment in my life that the message was delivered that I had to be a good girl?

That I had to be smart?

That I had to look good?

Probably not.  It was most likely an accumulation or mini-moments, words unspoken, things implied or merely just as such interpreted by my child self.

It doesn’t  matter. It is what I carried with me from childhood into my adult life. My main belief.

My mother’s first child. My father’s third and right away, daddy’s girl. For as long as I can remember, he told me that from the moment I started speaking, he knew I was special. Special. As in, not ordinary? Not normal? What did that mean? In my child’s heart, it certainly meant that he loved me because of being special. He loved me a lot. He must never find out that I was naughty, that I hit my brother, that I stole money from his wallet to buy candy. That I certainly wasn’t good at everything, and that even I had to learn to ride a bicycle. HE MUST NOT FIND OUT.

No games were played before I had practiced beforehand, no swimming lessons, or piano lessons or ballet for me. I longed to learn how. But the fear of being found inadequate was just too strong. I taught myself how to swim and ride a bicycle. But the piano or the ballet were never mastered.

Special meant to my father that I was smart. I didn’t know this myself because all I knew was that I felt really old, and really dumb. I have never felt young. Ever. So he decided that a good bilingual school would be the best place for his little girl. I was scared stiff. I was 3 years old and was going to a school were they certainly were already smarter than I was, because they all spoke English. I will never be able to understand them and  I will be unmasked as a fraud.

I cried, my teacher comforted me and gave me a sticker for being a good girl. Oh, ok…how can I get more of those? So yes, in no time, I was the teacher’s pet. Just so badly wanting to please her, see them approve, always the good girl.

Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE learning. This was the right school for me. I was a lucky smart little girl. I absorbed everything that came my way. Ok, the summer before first grade I panicked, thinking that I would never learn to read…and then what? But after not only learning to read, but also loving to read, I was that geeky kid who would actually sniffed all her new school books at the beginning of the year. I loved school.  I loved reading about life. Boredom didn’t exist in my vocabulary. Nothing to do? Read an encyclopedia! Pick up an atlas and learn the capitals of the world! Reorganize the bookcase…now, let’s do it by genre.

By the time I was 8, I had won the scholarship for excellency. My desire to please (I had the BEST teacher ever in second grade) and my love of learning where a great combination for hitting that honour roll in the years to come.

And I kept it up through my teenage and adult years. Always being the good girl on the outside. Never letting anyone down. 

I felt a fraud. A total fraud. If they only knew. That I wasn't in control. That I didn't know everything. That I hurt. Inside and out. That I made mistakes. 

I AM ENOUGH. Am I? What does it mean to be enough? How can I be enough when everything is proving that I'm not? And yet, that moment came. That moment that I realized that I was enough. 

I see it in my children's eyes when they tell me that I'm the sweetest mother in the world. I see it in my husbands's eyes when he tells me I'm his best friend and he loves me deeply. I see it in the mirror, where I now see a human being, with all her perfections and imperfections, being herself and loving with all her heart.

I AM ENOUGH.

Can you feel the power of these words? Because you are, you know: ENOUGH...no, you're even MORE:

You are brilliantly you. You are beautiful. You are powerful. You are kind. You matter.

Share your story on the comments below. When did you stop feeling enough? When did you get, that you were enough? 

I can help you heal.

Contact me here so that we can explore together 'the how'.